There’s a moment many women notice somewhere around their forties and fifties. It’s not a dramatic moment, but between the juggle of work, family and responsibilities, before you really notice it, you’re simply not being touched much anymore.

Physical affection has quietly faded into the background of your life.

No-one’s actively withholding affection. It’s more of a combination of factors: the kids have grown out of climbing on to your lap for cuddles, partners are falling asleep on the couch…

Days have perhaps become efficient rather than connected, and you’re so busy taking care of everyone else that you forget that you might need a hug.

Throw perimenopause or menopause into the mix (when your body already feels like it's betraying you) and you might have just… stopped reaching out altogether.

Here’s the moment we need to stop to realise something: touch is not optional.

In fact, touch is as vital to your wellbeing as sleep and food. And right now, when your hormones are all over the place and your nervous system is running on fumes, you probably need it more than you ever have.

What Actually Happens When We're Touched

When someone you trust touches you, your body releases a hormone called oxytocin. We’re talking a real hug, holding hands, a massage. It’s sometimes called the ‘love hormone’ or ‘cuddle hormone’, but what it really does is send a signal to your brain that says “I am safe”. It’s the same chemical involved in early attachment for infants and children, but we need it at sixty just as much as we did at six.

Serotonin rises too. This is the neurotransmitter many antidepressants aim to support. Another neurotransmitter, dopamine, increases too. This one restores a sense of pleasure and motivation to remind you life really can feel good!

Meanwhile, touch also causes cortisol, your main stress hormone, to drop.

Quite simply, the experience of being touched tells your body you can stand down. You're safe. You're not doing this alone.

What's happening in your body:

• Oxytocin floods your system, signalling safety and trust
• Serotonin levels rise, stabilising mood
• Dopamine increases, bringing pleasure and motivation
• Cortisol drops, reducing stress

It’s not airy-fairy, woowoo stuff – this is science!

Did you know your skin has receptors that talk directly to your nervous system? When they detect gentle touch, they send signals that calm your stress response and restore some balance.

During menopause, when fluctuating hormones can leave you anxious and reactive and exhausted all at once, this matters. Touch supports your nervous system in ways that willpower and positive thinking simply can’t.

Why Menopause Can Leave You Wired and Exhausted

If you’ve noticed you’re more easily overwhelmed lately, you’re not imagining it.

Dropping oestrogen and progesterone change how the brain processes stress. The nervous system becomes more alert and slower to switch off. Small pressures land heavier. Recovery takes longer.

Touch works as a regulator. It doesn't require you to think or analyse or fix yourself. It speaks directly to the part of your brain that decides whether you're safe or in danger.

Regular, supportive touch can reduce anxiety, improve sleep and soften that specific feeling of being both wired and exhausted all at once.

Touch is about giving your body what it needs (and deserves) to function during a major transition.

The Twenty-Second Hug (Why It Works)

Sometimes the simplest things matter most, and one loving hug can genuinely change your day.

Hugging triggers oxytocin, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones. We know this already instinctively in our bodies. A nice cuddle grounds you when you feel all over the place.

But there’s a difference between a passing hug and a settling one. The quick “pat-pat” barely registers. A held embrace, where you actually pause long enough to soften, does.

Twenty seconds is apparently the threshold for releasing those beneficial hormones. It feels long. Maybe awkward at first, especially if you're used to quick contact. But with people you trust, try it.

What a real hug does:

• Lowers blood pressure
• Reduces stress hormones immediately
• Provides emotional grounding when you feel scattered
• Creates actual connection instead of just going through the motions

Massage Isn't a Luxury

For a variety of reasons, touch can be hard to come by organically in day-to-day life. Thankfully there are other avenues, such as massage. It helps to think about massage as healthcare, not as an indulgence.

Physically, massage reduces muscle tension, improves circulation and eases pain. If you've got joint aches, tension headaches, or that knot in your shoulders from carrying everyone else's stress, massage helps.

But there’s also a deeper emotional impact.

Allowing someone else to care for you, without managing anything or anticipating anyone’s needs, reaches parts of the nervous system that have been in constant responsibility mode for years.

For menopause specifically, regular massage supports sleep, stress recovery and physical comfort. It gives your system space to reset.

You wouldn’t hesitate to see a doctor. Your muscles and your need for gentle touch deserve the same priority.

Your Own Hands Matter Too

Professional treatment is valuable, but don’t forget your own hands! Massage your feet, scalp, neck. What matters is giving it your attention, not squeezing it in while your mind runs through the to-do list.

Massaging your feet, hands or scalp. Taking time with skincare so you actually feel your skin. Gentle movement that reconnects you with your body.

Simple self-touch practices:

• Massage your feet before bed for five minutes
• Take time with your face and neck in the morning
• Use body oil or lotion slowly, actually feeling your skin
• Gentle stretching where you pay attention to how your body moves
• Scalp massage while you're in the shower

Menopause can make the body feel unreliable. Hot flushes, discomfort, unpredictability: many women respond by distancing from it. But small, deliberate contact rebuilds familiarity.

Touch Beyond the Bedroom

When the topic of touch comes up, the first thought is often sex. And while sexual contact has its own merits, there is plenty of meaningful touch that is not sexual at all. During menopause, this kind often matters most.

A friend squeezing your hand during a difficult conversation.
Linking arms while walking.
Someone brushing your hair back from your face.

These small moments ease loneliness in a very physical way. They remind the nervous system that you’re supported, not just understood.

Midlife can be a beautiful time to lean into this kind of connection too. With friends who truly understand this season. With family you choose to prioritise. Through activities that naturally bring people closer together. A book club where you sit side by side. Volunteering where you work shoulder to shoulder toward a shared purpose.

These moments matter. They nourish us. This is one of the ways we care for ourselves, and each other, and stay deeply, wonderfully human.

Reimagining Intimacy With Your Partner

Many women notice intimacy changes during menopause and assume something is wrong.

Often what’s changing is responsiveness, not connection.

The beauty of this is that when the familiar script stops working, you and your partner gain the opportunity to slow down and pay attention differently. Some women even say their intimate lives actually improved after menopause, not despite the changes, but because of them.

What becomes possible:

• Slowing down enough to feel sensation again
• Prioritising pleasure over performance
• Exploring what feels good now rather than repeating the past
• Deepening emotional closeness through physical contact

Touch in a long-term relationship can evolve. Extended cuddling, massage without expectation, or simply lying together can rebuild comfort and safety.

You might find that when urgency drops away, sensuality expands. You notice more. You feel more.

The conversations matter as much as the touch. What feels good? What are you curious about? What would you like to try? Talking about this stuff can feel awkward after decades together, but it opens doors.

Your body knows things now it didn't know at thirty. You know yourself better. You know your partner better. That's not a loss. That's an opportunity to build something richer.

 

 

Small Changes That Matter

You don’t need to overhaul your life to bring touch back in. The little things add up and go a long way.

Try incorporating touch in your life by:

• Booking massage appointments like healthcare, even if it's just quarterly, put them in your calendar
• Holding hugs longer with people you trust, aim for twenty seconds
• Reaching for hands more often instead of just talking
• Joining activities where touch happens naturally, yoga, dance, walking groups where you might steady each other
• Creating small self-massage rituals, five minutes on your feet at night, a few moments on your face in the morning
• Being intentional about affectionate moments instead of absent-minded

And remember: This all happens within your comfort zone. Touch should never feel obligatory. You get to set boundaries, say no, and choose what feels right.

You're Allowed to Need This

If you're feeling touched-starved or disconnected, that's your biology asking for what it needs. It's not weakness. It's not being needy. It's your nervous system, your fundamental humanity, saying: this matters.

Touch is a tool for healing and emotional steadiness. In a culture that tells women to be endlessly self-sufficient, reaching out for physical connection is actually strength.

You're allowed to need this. You're allowed to ask for it. You're allowed to make it a priority.

You Deserve Comfort During Menopause

You don’t have to earn gentleness and comfort. When your body is changing and demands feel constant, touch offers a pathway back to steadiness, connection and inhabiting your body again.

Whether it’s professional massage, a long embrace, snuggling with someone on the couch, or the loving touch of your own hands, this kind of support is fundamental.

Millions of women are navigating this same territory, asking the same questions, feeling the same things. Your body may be changing, but it still responds to comfort, care and connection. There’s power in reaching out for it.